Lights On

I still sleep with the lights on
the nightmares haunt my subconscious
I remember vividly and accounted for everything
Doesn't seem such a valid point of entry
Childhood at this point seems as scarce as terrorists
Hidden agendas act so frivolous
I remember how he touched me made me bothered
soiled and coddled my very reality
anomalistically i am taunted and he comes after me
still so vividly in my dreams as years past like waters

watercolors overflow from victimless brushstrokes
how do i wallow in yesterdays tomorrows
secrets that plagued me even my brother touched me
and i thought that it wasn't happening make it go away
nightmares capture reactions of untrained actors
and after that the babysitters grandson had his way with me
how powerfully i was made unsuitable and melancholy
by that time i was nine years old and already was a whore
had to adore being forced to sell myself short
there is pain in this art form of being a martyr

years later it seemed a routine but this time i would scream
not keep the anguish hidden and cry in the rain so no one would see
not only me i kept my little friends secret how her dad touched her
made her feel she was saving a marriage that had no business saving
he told her she was doing what mommy couldn't
how does a nine year old have that conception duress
already under developed and perplexed
that maybe she wouldn't be accepted by the others

all i have to do is remember the terror and the anger
bitterness swallows my tender heart
after all that i couldn't feel love
since love began as unrequited
and ended despite its better preparation
so simple questions painted candid chronicles
because eventually boils crust over and wounds heal
but childhood and its zeal goes out the window
and they wonder i kept my daughter from having a father
he would of been poison and i just couldn't see it happen 2 her
and i sleep with the lights on......